Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
