I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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