once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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