When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
