last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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