my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
