New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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