My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
