I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
