I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
