My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
