the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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