i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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