i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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