Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
