I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
