Define "chronic" masturbator.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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