this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
