my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
