Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
