I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
