If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
