Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
