I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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