A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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