just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
