He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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