you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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