Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I want her autograph on my taint
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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