I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize