Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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