Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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