tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
