I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
