I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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