after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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