I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i drank out of a bidet.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
