Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
