Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
