I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
