I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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