he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
