I just saw a hot homeless man
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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