the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
