I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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