my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
