She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
