the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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