Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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