I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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