At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
