Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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