That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
