I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
