Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
