she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
