I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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