dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize