It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Holy sore nipples Batman
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
