Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
