I seem to have left my pride at pride
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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