alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
