did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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