yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
