did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
