my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
