she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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