just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
