I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
are you so shy because you have an std?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
