and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
