Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
