i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
