Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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