So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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