I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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