What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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