He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
